It’s really been a such an impactful couple of months since my last blog post.
I graduated, found love, got accepted into university, I'm a year older and I have experienced so many beautiful moments.
It’s been such an experience.
And now here goes life, doing its usual duty of twisting things around.
No longer with my boyfriend and just feeling so withdrawn , I’ve been in a deep hermit mode that would give hobits a run for their money.
Being so immersed inside my head I fear I have nurtured some unpleasant thoughts about myself that have been interfering with, but not stopping, my growth.
As always I’ll be fully transparent.
I analyze my physical appearance so much that I’ve almost completely stopped posting myself even when I feel beautiful or pretty.
It’s like the minute I take a picture or video the thoughts creep in…
“You sure this looks good?” “Nah your eye looks weird here delete it.” “Yikes the wig looking wiggy I shouldn’t post this.” “You honestly don’t look attractive so you really wouldn’t post this.” “This isn’t right, you don’t look right, delete it.”
Now a once confident me is no longer present and the shrunken me in her hoodie and sweatpants lugging around her bag of insecurities emerges and takes control.
Being self aware of the bs your mind does to stunt your growth isn’t the clutch someone would think.
You would think because I know it’s just my mind trying to stop me from being the bad ass , fly ass, hot ass, gorgeous tenderoni that I am, I would just fight back…
Yet I let it win 75% of the time. I don’t always let it win.
That 25% be coming in swinging honey!
But the 75% is the reason I’m unsure how to shop cause the little weight I’ve gained makes me so insecure…so I stick to comfort clothes…
The 75% is the reason I don’t do nice things for myself because they feel pointless…
The 75% is the reason why I self harmed 3 years ago…
It was actually 90 then not gonna lie but I don’t want it to get like that again..
Yet here it goes… telling me I’m not beautiful enough to be seen, singing I’m too old to pursue my creativity, forcing me into solitude, condemning me in my walk with Christ…
Devil works hard doesn’t he.
Cause that’s who it is, the Devil, and I know my God is stronger but… let me give an analogy:
Like an addict that wants to get clean. You take them to rehab, they sober up and stay sober for let’s say a month.
That month goes by and then they relapse . Why?
Because the drugs , though an issue, it’s not the root of the problem. The problem is in the mind, the problem is in the heart in the spirit.
It’s deeper especially for someone who has been an addict almost their whole life.
So the analogy I give is to speak to how I feel. Though I know my God can and will save me…. How I do I save myself from myself ?
Because it’s me that has this mind , it’s me that feels this way it’s me in control but yet I can't always securely grasp the reigns.
This has been in my mind the past few months y’all.
A lot of this I shared with my ex . Without him I know I can continue but sometimes I think about how he would reassure me when I would get this way. (Theres an update on this as well)
God reassures me and I’m reassuring myself to through it all that’s why I’ll never let myself get back to when I would self harm.
I just don’t want to view myself the way I’m viewing myself.
I don’t want to let years pass me up.
I’m gonna stop talking myself out of shit because the devil don’t run nothing especially not me.
This was very vulnerable. And a very hard thing to post.
Currently what I’m thinking about is not posting this because it makes me feel bare to the world, like I’m naked.
But shame will not mute me !
I’m a real person going through real life shit, and I just hope by sharing what I’m going through and still moving it can reach someone who relates, someone who may even want to end it all.
My purpose in this blog is to reach those people and create this safe space of relatability , security, love and understanding.
Feel free to comment get a conversation going.
I’ll start making forums so that we all can just connect and talk more to each other.
Momo, such a great vulnerable moment. I love seeing your journey. The honesty is fully healing. I love you more than words can describe. Keep pressing towards the mark!
Momo, such a great vulnerable moment. I love seeing your journey. The honesty is fully healing. I love you more than words can describe. Keep pressing towards the mark!