Wounded Mother 👩🏾‍🍼💔

This post was written April 2nd:

I’m wounded today. My scars have reopened and I ooze out the things that I have been working on healing. My mother wound spills out releasing a wave of emotions that feels uncontrollable. I hate when this wound opens up . Cause it feels like no amount of bandaids or Neosporin can heal this wound. This wound is deep and it immediately sends me into the bottom of the ocean floor unable to swim to the surface. My cries are silent when this wound opens up because silence is apart of the wound. I do not cry out because in this wound I have no control, no authority … I am a child in this wound. The source of not wanting to feel emotions comes from this wound, the force of anger with everything comes from this wound, the source of subjecting myself to less than comes from this wound…everything I can think of that I have difficulty with , whether it be decision making, making friends, paranoia, guilt, people pleasing,  unable to see a future, you name it, it comes from this wound . I am trapped in this wound and I have not been given an escape route. As I grow in my faith the one thing I struggle with God healing me from is my mother wound. And this is coming from God who in His word Psalms 147 says He will heal the brokenhearted and bandaged their wounds. My mother wound feels greater than God and that’s a wild statement to say. It’s how I feel. Feeling is not truth though. Yet this feeling clouds judgement this wound clouds judgement, hope, freedom, vision. This wound pollutes my air and forces me to breathe in hurting my lungs, threatening my life.  Suppression comes from this wound. Even now as I write the emerging energy of “whatever I’m over it” creeps and in almost an instant I would’ve closed the notes app, in which I am writing this, and remove myself from the reality, continuing my day is dissociation; forcing through conversation and smiles as if I hadn’t been on the verge of tears . I no longer want this wound. I beg God to heal me. But as much as I am His child I am human and I want it done yesterday. Why does healing hurt? Why is it so prolonged? It’s not pretty at all it feels very much like if you’re stabbed and that pain hurts like hell but in order to treat the wound you have to pull the knife out, slowly, which is agonizing and then you’re bleeding out. It’s like you weren’t better with the knife in but now that it’s out you’re bleeding and you have to get surgery, then you’re stitched up and in so much pain, then you have to be careful cause the stitches can open back up and then, THEN  after this process you’re healed. It’s like can God really get me through that ? I know the answer is yes but (and sorry Lord) SHIT!!!!!! I never wanted this for myself God . I feel so betrayed. I want so much better for my daughters, for my children . So I have to heal if not for myself for them. But I want to heal for myself also. Because I chose to pull the knife out I have to go through the process of healing the wound. I have deep deep wounds and for as many more years I have left on this Earth I will do my best to heal them. I’m not alone when it comes to going through the motions of healing deep rooted wounds . I hope y’all are healing too .🤍

I love you

Until next time

-Ify